Thank you so much, Alexandra! This means so much to me. I rarely get feedback on the graphics so I never know if they are helpful or superfluous. I appreciate you so much!
Everything in this post is indeed, like you mentioned somewhere in your post: βbeyond wordsβ. It even feels like a psychologist giving out the best advice. Perfectionism can keep us down (believe me, I know the feeling) for a while or a lifetime (donβt let that happen) and we must just do it! I cannot be more grateful for the wise words your substack offers! Keep doing what you do, it really does make the difference. Thanks!
This is the kindest compliment Iβve received in a while, and itβs feedback like this that reminds me that the work Iβm doing is worthwhile. Thank you so much π
Jen, thank you for sharing. I very much resonate with the perfectionism part. Most of the suffering comes from stories we create in our heads on how things should be. Then reality is not meeting these bizarre expectations, we suffer. And we blame the world, when our mindset is the problem. Keep up the good work.
No one starts off as an expertβeveryone figures out how things work along the way. So true, a wonderful post full of insight and wisdom. The quality is in the experience, learning and adapting and improving along the way.
Thank you, Harun! I appreciate this immensely, as I didnβt get much feedback on the passage about βpersonal truthsβ and worried it might not resonate.
I have perfectionist tendencies and it's something that I'm trying to stop doing. It's hard, but you described how it works for me perfectly: "when we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our work, all we do is cause unnecessary suffering". This is spot on. I didn't think about the linkage of people's truths to being secrets in a way, this helps put things in perspective for me. III is just what I needed to hear right now. For the past 2 months I've quit drinking. It's a decision that I knew I needed to make but hadn't been ready to do so in the past. In doing that it's almost like you give up a good portion of your friends. I've been trying to distance myself to protect my sobriety, but it's hard. Regardless, it's something that I had to do. I keep telling myself that it will get better, and finding new friends is doable. Hearing it in words from someone else, helps, so thank you. V is something that I struggle with but need to persevere. I'm definitely someone who delays starting so as not to look like I don't know what I'm doing.... but in reality, I never start then.
Thanks for all of this. Hit at just the right time for me.
Josh, thank you so much! I love everything youβve put out here. When it comes to quitting alcohol, I hope you find that the friends who like you for you stick around. Those who are just looking for another drinking buddy are probably not βrealβ friendsβtheyβre just bored.
I have no doubt that the changes youβre making are hard, perhaps the hardest thing youβve ever done, but itβs obvious to me that you are headed in the right direction. Continue to have faith in yourself and what you know is good for you. I have faith in you.
Josh, congratulations on your sobriety journey! I have been sober for 10 1 /2 yrs now. I did lose all the βfriendshipsβ that were centered on our drinking together. It really hurt at first ( especially since one was a God Parent to my youngest) But as time went on, and I got healthier and stronger, I came to realize how unhealthy most of those βfriendshipsβ were. (Co-dependent, enabling, self-serving, ) I definitely had friends in low places. The real true friends stood by me. Cheered me on my journey. They loved the person who was underneath that bottle. Keep up the good hard work. I promise it gets easier, and life becomes worth living without the haze of the bottle.
Thanks for that, much appreciated. Youβre 100% right on the quality of those friendships. Really more acquaintances than friends. Itβs early, but I can see in the distance how much better things will be, and the wins Iβm collecting on the way w/o alcohol. Congratulations on your sobriety!
One more thing, in recovery they have a saying that we are only as sick as our secrets. I Didnβt really understand that in the early days, but over time came to see the freedom in truths. but you put it so clearly in your writing. Thank you for this.
Thank you Jen. If sharing my battles can help another overcome theirs, (even in the smallest way)then Iβm happy to share. Thatβs what we are called to do. Not because Iβm worthy, itβs all because of His Mercy. ππΌβ€οΈ
Every upset, annoyance, or 'unhappiness' is preceded by an expectation. I discovered it around the 7th grade and managed my emotions by changing my expectations. The ones I found difficult to change, I labeled commitments. Sets up a point of self-righteousness, however. Eventually, I discovered preferences are the precursors to all expectations. We live in a world asking us for OUR preferences. When I realized it was my ego that was upset, everything changed. As I separated mySelf from my identity the ego form, I was watching the upset trigger without honoring it. I could be chastised, and I would begin to chuckle or laugh, not at them but at the old habit of reaction I was leaving. It has become easier to say "thank you" to expectations as they clue me to the ego rants no longer in control of my behavior.
I like what you said RE objective vs subjective reality.
My first instinct is to say βwhat if objective reality was suspended entirely within subjective realityβ i.e. nothing is truly objective because humans created objective reality - theyβre fabricated structures of mind.
But you know whatβs more important than being right or wanting someone to see things the way you do? Just respecting and loving your fellow human whoβs right in front of you. Think thatβs a great example of what youβre saying here.
Also, youβre likely right when people say βmy truthββ¦ most likely thatβs hitting on a deep unconscious wound somewhere and itβs hard to be βobjectiveβ about it so all you can do is be βsubjectiveβ about it and try and stop whatever is happening. But then again, still think we should strive to respect that truth (even if it doesnβt align to ours) going back to the point above!
I needed this β¦ itβs a time of big change for me ! ππ»β€οΈ
You and everyone else, Janine! You got this πͺπ½
I loved the graphics today just as much as your words, Jen. The object vs subject stopped me in my reading tracks.
My son also would like for me to "JUST DO IT" after watching the motivational Shia clip at the end!
DOOO ITTTT!
Thank you so much, Alexandra! This means so much to me. I rarely get feedback on the graphics so I never know if they are helpful or superfluous. I appreciate you so much!
This essay so beautiful, and so important, Jen.
βShe said it was as if she was starting to learn who her husband was for the first time and falling in love with him all over again.β
πβ€οΈπ
Thank you, James! π€
Thanks for the truths πππ
Thank you for reading, Ibrahim! Itβs the greatest gift. π
Everything in this post is indeed, like you mentioned somewhere in your post: βbeyond wordsβ. It even feels like a psychologist giving out the best advice. Perfectionism can keep us down (believe me, I know the feeling) for a while or a lifetime (donβt let that happen) and we must just do it! I cannot be more grateful for the wise words your substack offers! Keep doing what you do, it really does make the difference. Thanks!
RubΓ©n, I canβt help but tell you this: you made my day!
This is the kindest compliment Iβve received in a while, and itβs feedback like this that reminds me that the work Iβm doing is worthwhile. Thank you so much π
Glad to hear that, thatβs what this is all about. Youβre welcome!
Jen, thank you for sharing. I very much resonate with the perfectionism part. Most of the suffering comes from stories we create in our heads on how things should be. Then reality is not meeting these bizarre expectations, we suffer. And we blame the world, when our mindset is the problem. Keep up the good work.
Thank you Tomas! I appreciate you so much and this feedback means everything to me.
I hope you keep up the good work, too π€
No one starts off as an expertβeveryone figures out how things work along the way. So true, a wonderful post full of insight and wisdom. The quality is in the experience, learning and adapting and improving along the way.
Absolutely, Sue! Could not have said it better myself π
Thank you, Jen, that's amazing. Sending lots of love.
2 resonated with me a lot. The truth should be objective, if not itβs merely an opinion.
Thank you, Harun! I appreciate this immensely, as I didnβt get much feedback on the passage about βpersonal truthsβ and worried it might not resonate.
Thank you so much π€
Youβre welcome, Jen. Glad my comment was of some help.
I have perfectionist tendencies and it's something that I'm trying to stop doing. It's hard, but you described how it works for me perfectly: "when we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our work, all we do is cause unnecessary suffering". This is spot on. I didn't think about the linkage of people's truths to being secrets in a way, this helps put things in perspective for me. III is just what I needed to hear right now. For the past 2 months I've quit drinking. It's a decision that I knew I needed to make but hadn't been ready to do so in the past. In doing that it's almost like you give up a good portion of your friends. I've been trying to distance myself to protect my sobriety, but it's hard. Regardless, it's something that I had to do. I keep telling myself that it will get better, and finding new friends is doable. Hearing it in words from someone else, helps, so thank you. V is something that I struggle with but need to persevere. I'm definitely someone who delays starting so as not to look like I don't know what I'm doing.... but in reality, I never start then.
Thanks for all of this. Hit at just the right time for me.
Josh, thank you so much! I love everything youβve put out here. When it comes to quitting alcohol, I hope you find that the friends who like you for you stick around. Those who are just looking for another drinking buddy are probably not βrealβ friendsβtheyβre just bored.
I have no doubt that the changes youβre making are hard, perhaps the hardest thing youβve ever done, but itβs obvious to me that you are headed in the right direction. Continue to have faith in yourself and what you know is good for you. I have faith in you.
They are hard, but I can see in this short amount of time how necessary and beneficial they are. Thanks.
Josh, congratulations on your sobriety journey! I have been sober for 10 1 /2 yrs now. I did lose all the βfriendshipsβ that were centered on our drinking together. It really hurt at first ( especially since one was a God Parent to my youngest) But as time went on, and I got healthier and stronger, I came to realize how unhealthy most of those βfriendshipsβ were. (Co-dependent, enabling, self-serving, ) I definitely had friends in low places. The real true friends stood by me. Cheered me on my journey. They loved the person who was underneath that bottle. Keep up the good hard work. I promise it gets easier, and life becomes worth living without the haze of the bottle.
Thanks for that, much appreciated. Youβre 100% right on the quality of those friendships. Really more acquaintances than friends. Itβs early, but I can see in the distance how much better things will be, and the wins Iβm collecting on the way w/o alcohol. Congratulations on your sobriety!
I shouldβve read this before I drafted my replyβ¦ as this is spot-on. π
Youβre an inspiration, Robin!
One more thing, in recovery they have a saying that we are only as sick as our secrets. I Didnβt really understand that in the early days, but over time came to see the freedom in truths. but you put it so clearly in your writing. Thank you for this.
Thank you Jen. If sharing my battles can help another overcome theirs, (even in the smallest way)then Iβm happy to share. Thatβs what we are called to do. Not because Iβm worthy, itβs all because of His Mercy. ππΌβ€οΈ
Even more dangerous today under an umbrella of flawless AI perfectionβ¦
ABSOLUTELY! Thanks for pointing this out, Donna!
Loved it! Especially "dropping expectations." Starting over new friends sounds scary, but exciting!
Thank you, Falak! And the only friends I recommend letting go of are the ones who were never really friends after all.
Every upset, annoyance, or 'unhappiness' is preceded by an expectation. I discovered it around the 7th grade and managed my emotions by changing my expectations. The ones I found difficult to change, I labeled commitments. Sets up a point of self-righteousness, however. Eventually, I discovered preferences are the precursors to all expectations. We live in a world asking us for OUR preferences. When I realized it was my ego that was upset, everything changed. As I separated mySelf from my identity the ego form, I was watching the upset trigger without honoring it. I could be chastised, and I would begin to chuckle or laugh, not at them but at the old habit of reaction I was leaving. It has become easier to say "thank you" to expectations as they clue me to the ego rants no longer in control of my behavior.
You have such an informed and thoughtful outlook on life. I love this, Michael! Thank you π€
Very. good stuff! Thanks!
Thank you, Rick!
Thank you, Rick!
All of this is great information! Keep up the good work :-)
Thank you, Luke! I appreciate you!
I like what you said RE objective vs subjective reality.
My first instinct is to say βwhat if objective reality was suspended entirely within subjective realityβ i.e. nothing is truly objective because humans created objective reality - theyβre fabricated structures of mind.
But you know whatβs more important than being right or wanting someone to see things the way you do? Just respecting and loving your fellow human whoβs right in front of you. Think thatβs a great example of what youβre saying here.
Also, youβre likely right when people say βmy truthββ¦ most likely thatβs hitting on a deep unconscious wound somewhere and itβs hard to be βobjectiveβ about it so all you can do is be βsubjectiveβ about it and try and stop whatever is happening. But then again, still think we should strive to respect that truth (even if it doesnβt align to ours) going back to the point above!
Roc - I LOVE where youβre going with this. And Iβm excited to read your article on subjectivity vs objectivity!
The inevitability of change and releasing of expectations and attachments opens the way to remarkable and life-changing opportunities.
You got it, Jim! Thank you π